Blink

I was pouring out my burden in His shoulder. I never experience this intimacy before, I thought there’s no way to reach Him. I thought He didn’t want to talk to me because I always made wrong to Him. I thought I am forgotten and being punished. But when I come and say His Name, His sweetest Name, everything gets lighter. I am set free, forgiven and saved.
Blink.
I can smell the fresh air. I can hear the dancing leaves and the songs of the birds in the woods. I was at the top of the vehicle sitting nervously and exciting. It’s dangerous but I’m enjoying the mountains and the silver lining of the clouds. I was happy and thinking about the days that is yet to come.
Blink.
Every day I’m missing them. I missed Mama cooking for us. I missed the noise of our house, the laughter, and fight. When I closed my eyes in the evening and wake up in the morning, I wish I am in my own bed, hugging my pillow and expecting someone to call out, “You gonna be late if you don’t move!”
Blink.
He slapped me in my face as if I am not his favorite girl. He said I am the worst of all his children and he doesn’t mind losing me. In fact, he wanted me to leave our house. It is cold outside, the rain is falling heavy. I don’t understand him and he didn’t understand me, why I am in love with the Man whose name is Jesus.
Blink.
I’m nervous. Am I qualified for this? I mean I am just 17 years old, not a bible schooler and this is my first time to stand in front talking within 40 minutes. Do really want me to do this Lord? My knees are trembling and I’m sure my voice will shake too. But I heard Him say, “I am with you.”
Blink.
Their smiles are one of the most precious things I ever saw in this place. I wished I have money to feed them and give them clothes but right now I have nothing to offer but the gift of salvation that comes through Jesus. Oh God, I know you have an incredible plan for these children. I know You loved them more than I do.
Blink.
Really how can my stares become intimidating? (As far as I know I carried beautiful eyes.) She’s being unreasonable! I don’t deserve that humiliation. I hate it! I hate her. I know I should not hate her but it’s hard to hide my vexation. It’s urgh! Calm my heart Lord, I don’t wanna be a monster anymore.
Blink.
We’re singing at the top of our lungs in her bedroom in this sweet Christmas morning. She put her head back and forth as the beat goes on. My older sister is a terrible singer but I still thank God for giving me a friend and an enemy. I know someday this will happen again, together we will sing praises.
Blink.
To be honest, I feel uneasy. Yes, I am happy for them but at the same time, I cannot deny my pain. I hold on my tears as long as I can but now I need to burst it out. Silly Princess, your friends that all. But then why do I feel unlovable and rejected? Should I build defenses again? Lord fix me.
Blink.
My back is in pain and I can no longer feel my arms because of the heavy stuff I moved upstairs. I emptied my upper bed so that when my young sister decided to sleep in our house there is a spot for her. Cleaning is fun and arranging books is great. I feel alive.
Blink.
Thank you for believing that I can overcome this. I know I do but its good to hear that someone else believes in me. Did I ever tell you that your smile is captivating? It feels like speaking right in my heart that even though I don’t see a way out, everything will be fine.
Blink.

 

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